Sometimes

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Sometimes my job asks me for energy I don’t have.

Sometimes I am so spent from responding to students all day

that I cannot hold a conversation with my family:

I can do the listening bit but can’t manage the replying bit.

 

Sometimes I’m bereft of ideas when I need them.

Sometimes my teaching is plain and boring,

even though I want to make it exciting and interesting,

and I feel beaten by the system.

 

Sometimes my correction and reporting demands so much time

I live on nervous energy,

just to get through.

 

Sometimes I need to

Just

Stop …

and cuddle my dog,

or watch some escapist TV,

or listen to music that soothes my soul.

 

Sometimes I reflect on the many things I have

and nevertheless feel a little empty,

because I have had to sell my soul to my income-generating work

to such an extent, and

for so many years, that

I am frustrated with

lack of progress in what I feel drawn to do …

 

And that feels as it sounds:

mean-spirited and selfish,

ungrateful and ungracious,

because I was born into a position of privilege

and have had the advantage of that for my entire life,

and I know I am so very lucky

compared to so many.

 

So I will take the time,

now,

to heal from this temporary malaise,

to regather my internal strength

so that I can meet the exhausting demands of my work,

so that I can have the stamina

to counter the sometimes overwhelming energy depletion

which is an inevitable and unhealthy

companion to my work

as a change merchant,

transforming the lives of hundreds, if not thousands, of students.

 

Until then,

please don’t ask me for more:

I can’t give it right now.

 

I’ll see you on the other side of my energy restoration.